Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a hard thing for me. There are times in my life, where I don’t actually like God to be God in my life (I know how holy you think I am because I’m going to school to be a pastor 😉 ). In my life, I actually try to attempt to be God, and when all else fails, and I am wounded, hurt and abandoned by others and myself, I actually seek out God to pick me up and bring me peace when I am living out my consequences. These consequences consist of anger, revenge (Both internally and externally), returning to bad habits, and a lack of worth.

I have struggled with two most importantly.

The first being myself.  I was raised to believe that when someone wrongs you, that you never confront them. I was raised to believe that no one is to blame for what happens in your life except for yourself. The Churches I went to, and the culture I was embraced into (Family, Friends, School), warped my mind with this. Naturally, this lead to an incredible amount of self guilting and self hatred. The process of letting myself off the hook, has never been an easy one for me. Even after countless apologies, the lingering shame remained.

The second is God. My teenage years consisted of a great hatred for God. For him “allowing” the things that happened to me, for not “revealing” himself to me when I sought him out and for the type of God, I thought he was (this has changed since). My anger towards God, was so immense that I refused to speak to him, I wanted to seek and destroy his believers for the pain they caused me, and, even though he didn’t cause this to me, I didn’t want to let him off the hook.

Forgiveness is a weird thing. Often, our wounds are as deep as we interpret the situation to be. I know women who were traumatized because they were groped by men. They weren’t raped but the wounds were so severe (This is a traumatizing thing). I know people who get cut off on the road and they take this a serious offense (myself especially).  Even, when people don’t mean to hurt us, and even if they don’t hurt us and we interpret it as they do, we still need to forgive them. I was angry at God, and needed to forgive him for what I interpreted as his ways of wronging me.

I am learning more and more to forgive every day. I’ve got skelletons in my close (Big Shocker). I have no problem seeking forgiveness, but, when it comes to the ways I’ve wronged myself, and how I thought God wronged me, I am still learning how to let go of this debt.

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3 thoughts on “Forgiveness

  1. Brian says:

    Funny thing about forgiveness…

    You can forgive a person even when they don’t ask, or even want it. Forgiveness is an act of the wronged. Why is it that, as a part of ‘becoming a christian’, we must accept Jesus’ forgiveness of our sins? Our sins wronged him. He forgave us. It’s already been done and paid for. What difference does it make if we accept or even acknowledge His forgiveness of us?

    • mfries05 says:

      Hey Brian,
      Thanks for responding. I completely that you can forgive someone when they don’t ask, that’s the only way to move on when someone doesn’t want to reconcile things. I think that in most cases, at least in my life, when I’ve wronged someone, I lose part of myself. I live with a sense of shame, regret and a hurt, because I have taken something that I can’t pay back. So, acknowledging that Jesus forgives us, is his way of letting us off the hook. Its his way of removing that shame and guilt. I am convinced, and, I believe this to be true in my life, that shame and guilt is at the root of all sinful patterns. This has proven to be true in my life because of my countless addictions that I have wrestled with. There is something wrong, and, the only way to get back to feeling right is to continue in that pattern until I have lost complete control. When we acknowledge someone that they have wronged us we do two things. The first, we bring to the forefront a problem in the way they acted, and, in doing this, it enables us to set them free. The second, we are acknowledging to them that we are no longer holding that debt against them. It frees us.

      Thanks Brian,
      Hope things are well!

  2. Krista Chapman says:

    I understand where you’re coming from. I felt the same way, until I discovered the truth that God is a Good God, and the devil is a very bad devil. The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy. But God comes to give you LIFE, and LIFE IN ABUNDANCE. You have a call on your life. The enemy knows those whom are chosen by God, and he sets out to destroy your life to attack the call, and often even BEFORE you are born with difficulties in pregnancy, etc. But the enemy is SUCH A LOSER, because every thing he means to do for evil, GOD turns it into good, because HE is the one sitting on The Throne. And God is careful to put all of the broken pieces together, and in time, you can begin to see the beautiful mosaic it is turning into, and you begin to trust Him more and more, and rely on Him more and more, and just KNOW that He is working it ALL out for your good! And in every hardship and obstacle, it just causes you to press into Him deeper and deeper, because you get addicted to His Love and Compassion, and begin to really know the ONLY TRUE Lover of your soul. It’s beautiful, because you no longer look to man for approval, because it is so conditional, tainted and biased, and only GOD has TRUE LOVE for you. The beautiful part of your hardships are that it has built who you are and has increased your capacity for compassion and understanding, and you begin to be a blessing in peoples lives, just being who you are. And the devil really regrets that he ever messed with you in the first place!

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