Forgiveness is a hard thing for me. There are times in my life, where I don’t actually like God to be God in my life (I know how holy you think I am because I’m going to school to be a pastor 😉 ). In my life, I actually try to attempt to be God, and when all else fails, and I am wounded, hurt and abandoned by others and myself, I actually seek out God to pick me up and bring me peace when I am living out my consequences. These consequences consist of anger, revenge (Both internally and externally), returning to bad habits, and a lack of worth.
I have struggled with two most importantly.
The first being myself. I was raised to believe that when someone wrongs you, that you never confront them. I was raised to believe that no one is to blame for what happens in your life except for yourself. The Churches I went to, and the culture I was embraced into (Family, Friends, School), warped my mind with this. Naturally, this lead to an incredible amount of self guilting and self hatred. The process of letting myself off the hook, has never been an easy one for me. Even after countless apologies, the lingering shame remained.
The second is God. My teenage years consisted of a great hatred for God. For him “allowing” the things that happened to me, for not “revealing” himself to me when I sought him out and for the type of God, I thought he was (this has changed since). My anger towards God, was so immense that I refused to speak to him, I wanted to seek and destroy his believers for the pain they caused me, and, even though he didn’t cause this to me, I didn’t want to let him off the hook.
Forgiveness is a weird thing. Often, our wounds are as deep as we interpret the situation to be. I know women who were traumatized because they were groped by men. They weren’t raped but the wounds were so severe (This is a traumatizing thing). I know people who get cut off on the road and they take this a serious offense (myself especially). Even, when people don’t mean to hurt us, and even if they don’t hurt us and we interpret it as they do, we still need to forgive them. I was angry at God, and needed to forgive him for what I interpreted as his ways of wronging me.
I am learning more and more to forgive every day. I’ve got skelletons in my close (Big Shocker). I have no problem seeking forgiveness, but, when it comes to the ways I’ve wronged myself, and how I thought God wronged me, I am still learning how to let go of this debt.