I’ve been reflecting upon a time in my life when I was communicating with this girl, and, I found myself attracted to her. I mean, really, attracted to her. By my dismay, she was also attracted to me. I mean, really, really attracted to me. Over our time together, our attraction grew, and became extremely fatal for me. Sexual tension, was all that consumed me. It came to the point, where my body wanted to contradict the values set out before me. But, by some arrogant, pompous religious belief of mine, you shouldn’t have sex before marriage, so this relationship passed.
Reflecting upon this relationship, I realize now, that the reason I didn’t have sex was because I have this deep-rooted fear of disobeying God, because I don’t want him to be disappointed in me. While my religious self kept me out of the physical, emotional and spiritual consequences that comes out of sex, I see now, that I have committed a large infidelity amidst my fidelity with God. In my worship towards him, I have actually denied his way and placed an icon over him.
While some may say that the sin of all of this is that I committed adultery in my head, heart and mind, I would say to you, that the great sin comes in the form of my idolatrous image of God. I had submitted myself to religious view and understanding of God. This God is a pissed off, insecure, and temper tantrum throwing God, who destroys people when he doesn’t get his way. It is the submission to this image, that had enabled me to maintain my sin, rather, than finding true freedom. The God, that I should try to submit to, is a jealous and loving God. A God who is fighting for me and wants to show me a better way, rather, than allowing me to swim in an ocean of death, hoping I contain the distance between me and the sharks.
I have begun to see why sex before marriage, among other things, is so damning to my spiritual being, but, now it has come out of a choice of free and loving will, rather, than an arrogant and pompous obligation. In my fidelity, it was my infidelity that held me captive. For the fidelity sets us free and changes our desires, but, the infidelity caused me great shame and enabled me to be a victim.