I’d be a liar, if I wouldn’t admit to being an existentialist. Maybe, this comes from all the ways eschatology (End Times Theology) has been abused in my life (Thanks Kirk Cameron, you should have stuck to Growing Pains) and how much I hate talking about our hope being in the after life (which, I believe there is). Maybe, it comes from my absolute deepest fear of living a mundane and meaningless life. Some might call me masochistic when I say would rather suffer than not feel anything at all. I would say that I am just truly aware (there is a lot to suffer for in this life). I probably come off as a Debbie Downer, but, I truly feel as much happiness and joy with as much sorrow I feel. I think some of my friends have seen my uncontrollable laughter at times.
I think at the end of the day, what we truly desire is intimacy, isn’t it? To be intimately connected to something.
I think at the end of the day we want to be committed to something so intimately that we reap all of the joy and consequences with it.
Have you ever truly loved a person? How much have they brought you healing? How much does their presence bring you hope, peace and make you a more loving person? Now, how much has this person hurt you? How much agony has their absence brought you? How many tears have you shed because of one insensitive act or action?
But, we want that pain don’t we? Deep down inside we do, don’t we?
If we think of our existence has a hole within our chest, I think we can better explain it. Every time we die, every time we hurt, every time we suffer, our existence gets hollowed out. We become cynical, or, depressed, or broken. So as the hole grows in our heart, we need more of something to fill that now bigger gap. To me, the antidote is love. But, the more we love, the more we get hurt don’t we? Therefore, we need more love to fill out the now even greater hole created by our loving hearts.
This may seem extremely hopeless, but, to me it seems like the only way to live life. As opposed to the latter, where I have no intimacy with anything I do (My relationships, my work), the only thing I want in life is more intimacy. I want my life to be lived with its greatest capacity, and, while suffering follows, I know that my suffering is not in vain and my suffering shapes me more to become the type of person I want to be. And, this enables me to live more.
I think this type of life indicates the tear we live in between the finite and the infinite. For, we need life to fill our death. We need joy to replace our sorrow. We need the infinite to combat our finite. We need love to complete our hate.
In the end, we need intimacy. For, without intimacy, we die in isolation. We need our souls to connect, and, to find each other, because, if they aren’t, we are hopeless, empty wanderers.
“Life is too hard to walk alone…. Life is too good to walk alone”- Elizabeth Gilbert