One of the prominent themes in recent years of my life has been deconstruction. While this word often appears like the word within it, destruction, it is far from that. Deconstruction, in nature, is supposed to a number of things, mainly, to expose and preserve. It is often in exposure and preservation, we find out, truly, who we are.
Exposure, often comes at a great price. Exposure, an honest moment, forces us to look within ourselves, and, remove the things in our lives that do not comply with a life worth living. If we expose the light on the dark, the darkness, no longer holds the capacity to hold the darkness. The trauma of exposure, is that brief moment when light switch is triggered and the room becoming filled with light. Because of the speed of light, there is a moment when the room is filled with light, yet, we do not see it. This is in effect, the same as trauma. The darkness, is being exposed to the light. This often reveals to us the horror, of who we are, what we have done, how we have seen our world and the world around us and what the world has done to us. It is the moment, when we see how the effects have been done unto us.
When things are done unto us, and, they have been exposed, we then begin, the awful, grace driven period, of preservation. To preserve something, means we gut out the house, but keep the frame. Because, to keep anything else, than the frame, are to keep the things that dehumanize us. Anytime, we are expected to be anything more, or less, than we are, we are in fact being dehumanized.
I have had several major instances of deconstruction in my life. I can remember waking up from the horror’s of relationships in my life, and, needing to see the awful effects of what has been done to me, what I had done to myself, and, the effects that had been done unto me. Any human being, who has had their heart-broken by a significant other, anyone who has suffered emotional, spiritual or physical death, or experienced some sort of trauma, whether it being through the things just stated, or neglect, or abuse, knows the horror being done unto them.
When this is done unto you, in a state of human understanding of who we perceive ourselves to be, we enter into a moment of destruction. We believe, we are worth nothing, we are not good enough. She’s not skinny enough. He doesn’t make enough money. I am a failure. These lies that are done unto us, are the natural reaction, to the horrors that we have experienced in this life. These are, in fact, the lies that we believe. And, insofar as we believe them, we have lost our ability to be human. We need to gut this system out and preserve our humanity.
After years of deconstruction, I don’t know too much. The only certainty, I can wake up to in this morning, is that I can look up to the sky, and, as that was created, I can look within myself, and, say, “just as that was created and was found very good, so am I.” Without this, without this structure in my life, I have no frame to maintain this house. After we expose the lies in our life, we must preserve our humanity, for if we don’t, we will surely die, the world will collapse, and, we will not find any moments of peace, joy or love. We will no longer have faith in any divine, nor, any human. This, is the utter importance, of the deconstruction of self.