Six months ago I made a promise to myself that I couldn’t live the life I was living anymore. I was drained, at times hopeless, and, at times angry (mostly at certain individuals). And, what happened was that I became a far more honest person. Not that I wasn’t honest before, but, the depths of the honesty grew so deep that it was at times startling, because, I didn’t want to see what I saw in myself, in others, and, in God. The search for honesty wasn’t what I expected it to be, violent, discouraging, apathetic, broken, incomplete, hopeful, peace, gratitude, patience and transformational.
One of the things I learned very young was that the world didn’t revolve around me. Therefore, what I had didn’t belong to me. Over the past six months, as I began searching through my heart, I realized that what I had wasn’t my own. My story, and, everything good and bad inside of that, wasn’t my own. My collection of thoughts, wisdom, through that life, wasn’t my own. This realization was one of the greatest things I learned about Jesus.
Jesus, having been God, poured out his divinity, through the means of a man. On the cross, his blood, poured out, in love, for the sake of others. What made Jesus such an extraordinary God, and, man, was not that he exercised the power of his divinity over others, rather he submitted himself to a tree, and, poured himself all over the earth for our sake. Jesus life wasn’t his own. Jesus completely gave himself to the world as a sacrifice.
In my attempt to replicate this in my own life, I realized a profound joy and emptiness in it. What a joy it is to see yourself in the world (not a narcissistic sense), but, to see your fingerprints on something/someone you love. How empty, it has been giving yourself away to someone/something that cannot give itself back to you. Not, because, you are expecting them to give to you, but, something so intricately, attached to the core of who you are, is now not your own. A part of who you are is given away, that, you can no longer get back. So, my only options, now are to close myself off, and, stop giving myself away, or, search the depths of who I am and receive the depths of who others are and who God is.
The beauty about this world, is that it is saturated in God. Creation, saturated in God. People, saturated in God. Myself, saturated in God. And, the more I seek, the more I find. The more I knock, the more the doors will be opened. The more I ask, the more I will be given. The more I receive the eternal. And, while this world is also saturated in destruction, it is also saturated in an eternal essence in and around us, that emanates if we seek for it.
These days, I am finding myself in an endless conversation. An endless conversation with my self, that I am beginning, and, will always be beginning to understand. An endless conversation with others, who I can begin to understand and continue down the path of understanding them. An, endless conversation with a God, I will begin to understand but never move beyond that. This conversation will serve as a dichotomy as to how we are continually lost, and, how we are continually being found.