When I was 16, I was laying in my bed very late at night. In serious depression. In serious self-hatred. I prayed for hours to a God that didn’t seem to care about me, who I was, or, where I was going. Like Job, I called out God. Confessing to him, questioning, why, and, how every thing that happened, every thing that was happening, and, I heard nothing. I had a profound disgust for this God I had come to know, he despised me with the shame and disappointment I had caused him.
I had confessed this to a girl that I had liked at that time, she was a “Super” Christian. She never spoke to me again. She was kind of like Mandy Moore in Saved, or Amanda Bynes in the Easy “A”. She was hot to trot, obeyed all the commandments (even the ones that weren’t written that she made up). She never smoked (if she could see my blackened lungs from cigars), or, drank. But, don’t worry, I’m not bitter, I’ve found crazier people to replace that empty void in my life.
When I was a Freshman at Bible College, I sat alone in my dorm room, again depressed. I had just gotten back from a New Testament History class. My teacher had just proclaimed that me and my classmates were awful Christians because we weren’t praying 2.4 hours a day to God. Because, tithing my time to God, was more importantly than my money. I sat in my room disgusted with what I was seeing around me. I had recently become singled by many of the campuses “student leaders” for doubting my Evangelical upbringing. Again, I cried out to this unjust, guilt driven God, about how empty this vocation that I was pursuing, and, I couldn’t believe in him anymore, if he didn’t reveal himself in a different way.
Five years later, many Jesus driven experiences later, and, I’d like to admit that my doubt has been solved, but, I don’t want to lie. I go through many, what is called, Dark Night’s of the Soul, where I cry out to God, in painful confession, and, I hear nothing. Sometimes, when I do hear him, it’s an agonizing whisper, to hold on, to trust him, to trust others, to be patient.
If you struggle with doubt, its natural. It’s hard to believe in something perfect. It’s hard to believe in something that loves our brokenness. It’s hard to believe in something that seems so far away. Keep searching. Keep seeking. Keep asking. Eventually you will discover. Eventually there will be a perfect union. In this life, the next, or, as the Theologian N.T Wright says “Life, after Life after Death”. The more union you find, you’ll find a God, who cares more than you might think.