The whole experience of God

I have had several bouts of major depression in my life. I encountered weeks, months of extreme lifelessness. Paul Tillich describes God as the “ground of my being”. It was in those times of depression where I felt as if I was in a free fall for my life. Where God seemed absent, therefore, there as no ground to catch me or allow me to crash into. The only thing that seemed true, was there was very little that was actually true.

I have come to believe in a paradox in my life. When I move closer to the light, I am actually moving towards the darkness at the same time. If the light is God, then I am moving towards God, and, all that God entails. In my own inner journey, that free fall, helped me feel the great expanse and abyss of my own being. And, because I know the capacity of my own darkness, I know that same capacity also exists for light. As I move towards my own darkness, my sin, my shame, my failures, my self-hatred, my pain, I am moving towards the light, my liberation, my success, my self-esteem, my healing. When I experience the wholeness of myself, my experience, my life, my will begin to embrace the experiences, the life, the will of God. As the darkness is conquered by the light, I know that I will be fine within myself.

But, to be fine within one’s self, is not enough is it? What a lonely world that would be. Even Jesus, who was pure light to the world, experienced great loneliness. The light is not content with itself being the only light. No, as the light moves towards the darkness within its self, so the light begins moving towards others in darkness. It’s not happy with the world falling apart. It’s not happy with the death, the consumption, the greed, the poverty, the abuse, the human exploitation. The light serves as the hope for those in despair.

My hope is that we all have something to move towards. My hope is that who we are, will allow God to breathe hope into our own darkness and to those in it around us. For this is the light of the world. May we experience the wholeness of God within ourselves and around us today, whatever that looks like.

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4 thoughts on “The whole experience of God

  1. mambre says:

    Muchas gracias por este post. Es verdaderamente interesante. ¡Cuánto me alegra leerlo y descubrir que, aunque no nos conozcamos, tenemos mucho en común!

  2. michael says:

    Nice. Sounds like you read Richard Rohr’s daily reflections.

  3. really gave me a lot to think about there. I love what you say about going toward the darkness in order to go the light – of course at first glance that doesn’t seem to make sense but in order for us to be transformed we have to face our personal depravity. Great post!

  4. Angie Jungwirth says:

    I have had a growing awareness of this oppositeness of emotions– if resting is in the middle, however high you go, you will mirror that low. For a long time I seriously got into self hatred about the passion in me that was the opposite of being so absolutely satisfied and full of joy and love and all the good stuff that I could burst… Well, I have realized that b/c I can feel that one side that the other side comes too and that it’s OK. (It was like I really enjoyed some of my Godly passions (the happy surprise someone with groceries ones) and placed a higher value on them than those that begin out of the depths sorrow where my heart is ripped in two (which are really when I’m getting somewhere serious in Kingdom Building). It gets me to move.

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