Sex: What’s The Big Deal? Pt. 1

Few things are more of a messy paradox in life than human sexuality. Having sex and expressing sexuality are some of the most anticipated moments in any human beings life. Yet, human sexuality is often filled with a lot of baggage, a lot of pain. It is often a source of fear and anxiety. Psychologist Dan Allender puts it this way “Sex changes the heart. It brings forth either a chorus of  praise, wonder and joy or a song of sorrow and harm.”

Human beings are sexual beings. Not having sex is not an option. I don’t think any of us is interested in any forms of society depicted in Children of Men. Not having sex is also not an option because we are emotionally, psychologically and neurologically wired for it. On top of that, our society drives everything off of sex.

Our society runs off of sex. Most forms of popular advertising is sex driven. The Porn industry typically accumulates between four and ten billion dollars a year. Social and peer pressure is pressuring kids to lose their virginity earlier and earlier. All of this isn’t helped by the fact that children are hitting puberty younger and younger all the time. Some reports showing that some children it by the age of seven. This amongst other things have created a form of sexual revolution for young people.

Sexual Statistics involving teens and young adults:
-Average age of virginity loss in  America: 17 (Durex Global 2005)
-Within the college aged years, 82% of people have engaged in some form of casual sex. (
-Around 50-60% of people engaged in sexual activity are responsible with Birth Control. (
– Friends with Benefits and casual sex are extremely common forms of sexual activity.
– Sexual activity with young adults and teenagers are decreasing. (

While teenagers and young adults are having less sex over the past decade, the trend has moved away from committed and marital relationships and more into casual sex. At the same time, more and more adults are reporting to not only be having more sex (average around 127 per year) but half of married couples have reported to be perfectly satisfied with their sexual activity (Durex Global 2010).

My fear is that the hyper-sexual culture that we live in and the transition from committed and marital relationships is causing great damage to my generation. I’m afraid that my generation is missing out on the true wholeness and blessing of sexuality because it is not being treated as anything more than self-pleasure, void-filling and a manipulating form of cheap marketing. I fear that we will miss out on the mirroring that God gives to us in sexuality, the very real reality of oneness with another human being and we must endure the very painful side-effects of degrading sexuality. Sex is one of the most glorious human acts given to us by God but done wrongly it dehumanizes to the lowest form of human life.


13 thoughts on “Sex: What’s The Big Deal? Pt. 1

  1. I agree with you about the dehumanizing aspects of our culture’s approach to sex and sexuality, but I’m not sure I agree that “Not having sex is not an option.” Perhaps I missed your rationale for this. I think celibacy is a viable and humanizing way to express our sexuality. It says we are not animals just controlled by our instincts and hormones. We have something more that informs our choices about how we express our sexuality.

    • Mike Friesen says:

      Yes I agree Elizabeth that not having sex is a viable option in celibacy. Which is where single people and married couple who fast from sex, which the Bible asks them to do. But, as a whole human race, we cannot stop having sex. Individuals can but communities cannot. The discipline of chastity, as you point out, is beautiful. But, it cannot sustain communities and most people aren’t called to it. Great thoughts.

  2. Kate says:

    I’m currently reading “When God Writes Your Love Story” for the second time, and this paragraph I read today stuck out to me: “Sexuality is like fire. When kept in its rightful place, a fire adds the beauty of warmth and light to a home. But if fire escapes its proper context, it can burn down the entire house in a matter of minutes. Our God cares about us far too much to allow our lives to be destroyed by sexuality. So He asks us to keep it in its proper context. Then and only then can it be the beautiful, fulfilling gift He created it to be.”
    It has taken me a very long time to fully grasp that God creates fences for us so we can enjoy freedom in His name while still keeping the enemy out– not so we can’t go anywhere. He wants to keep the darkness out of our lives so we can delight in His creation in its entirety.

    • Mike Friesen says:

      you bring up a great point, the idea of boundaries. Sometimes, we need to be told no to somethings so we can say yes to more things. Everyone can say yes to drugs but once they’re consumed by it, their only yes is to drugs. Many psychologists say that sex addiction is harder to kick than cocaine. Great point.

  3. I’ve read Pt. 1 and have been contemplating it. As someone who was brought up in the South, raised Methodist, and converted to Catholicism (although the Pope and I often don’t agree), sex was not a subject that was talked about much. In fact, it would be preferable to fall down a bottomless pit rather than talk about sex. But with a psychology background as well as having had explored the priesthood, I got some varying views on the subject. In the Catholic Church, there is the Pope’s view but also a ton of alternate views put forth by many learned men. But, the official Church view is the current Pope’s view. In psychology, it is attacked from a multitude of angles and with a multitude of opposing views. And being as there is no one authority, as there is in the Catholic Church, there is no clear conclusion or direction on the subject of sex, only guidelines and suggestions.

    So, as I read this, the big question becomes “What is the purpose of sex in the first place?” Catholic teaching says it is primarily, if not exclusively, for procreation. Thus, why the “no masturbation” rule that the Church gets mocked for. If your goal isn’t to produce kids, then you shouldn’t be having sex. Pretty extreme on the one side. And, certainly brings up a lot of questions about who should be having sex.

    I’m not even going into the psychological views on sex. Pick any theorist’s name out of a hat and get a completely different view than the next name you pick out of the hat.

    Also, through friends, I am privy to the “sex is nothing more than a physical exercise.” We get together, get hot and sweaty, reach climax, and go our separate ways. It’s like a racquetball match. Can someone believe and feel that in reality? From surface appearances, they seem to. But, I’m guessing in their hearts, it isn’t so easy.

    And, now we are seeing the phenomenon of Gay Marriage being recognized in several states. The gay issue adds a whole new dimension to the discussion. The first question becomes: “Is gay a ‘natural’ state or is it an abnormality?” If it’s an abnormality, then it is easy to write it off. Since gay is wrong, there should be no sexual expressing of that abnormal condition. However, if people are born that way, if it is part of God’s plan, then how do you deal with it?

    Anyway, sorry to ramble so much. I look forward to reading Pt. 2 of your blog. Maybe you’ll give me some answers. Or, better yet, some new questions.

    • Mike Friesen says:

      Its interesting Randolph isn’t it, that we within the tent of Christianity can’t agree on anything. We can’t agree on the purpose of sex, nature of sex and what genders are allowed to have sex with each other.

      • True Mike. I was thinking hard on this. I believe this is why Jesus emphasized a personal relationship with God. Everyone is on a personal journey with God and at different stages in that journey. The bible is simply a guideline (perhaps not the best term). And, even then, a very difficult one to completely understand. Biblical scholars have dedicated their entire lives to studying the text. Even learning its original languages to help with their understanding. And, yet, they still can’t agree. Thus, why I believe the bible is a guideline. And, also, why fundamentalists, in my opinion, have a hard time defending that the bible be taken as literal, without exception. Sometimes I really wish I had all the answers. The absolute Do’s and Don’ts. “Am I going in the correct direction, God?” Yeah, some answers are fairly simple. Others, not so much.

        Anyway, thanks for touching on this issue. A lot of Christians are afraid of it. It almost always makes people uncomfortable and causes heated debate. Two very good reasons to talk about it. So, thanks for making me continue to contemplate and reflect on a very difficult topic.

  4. Felecia says:

    Unfortunately, Mike, I think you’re right. I am not a member of your generation but have grown more and more perplexed at the general attitude and saddened by the apparent casualness toward sex by today’s youth. I’m not down-playing my generation’s role in the moral decay of our two nations, nor am I proud of my participation in the original sexual revolution lo’ those many years ago. Humans are not wild animals grappling only to satisfy an urge or to procreate; we are thinking, caring, spiritual and emotional beings. The coupling of humans deserves to be set aside to express love and commitment. When revered, and held in more sacred regard, sex is infinitely more meaningful and an expression of adoration that bonds two people together. While I don’t have any answers, ultimately, I believe the problem may be more systemic. It’s going to take people getting right with God and generations of reversal of thought and deed. Can it be done? I pray that it can because the future, at this rate, looks dismal. I look forward to your Part II … will it be a challenge to humankind? Thanks for a great post, Sir.

  5. Sexuality has three stages: Desire is an interest in being sexual. Excitement is the state of arousal that sexual stimulation causes. And orgasm is sexual pleasure’s peaking…For more info how to build sexual stamina.

  6. Relevant and necessary discussion on a topic that is so powerful it scares the church. My personal experience was : Don’t have sex! Never knew why, never understood. I absolutely love the last couple of messages that my very real pastor Joe has done on the “sex section” of the sermon on the mount in Matt 5-7. Here’s a link to the first one:

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