Sex: What’s the Big Deal Pt. 2

The dangers of sex are truly some of the most haunting thing known to human life. There is a good reason that the Bible has places an emphasis on sexual immorality (although often used to abuse those engaged in it even more). The dangers of sexuality attacks every area of our life: How we think, how we feel, how we relate, how we spend our resources, etc…. This was my fear in yesterday’s blog. That when sex is no longer viewed as sacred, we are losing our lives. Harmful sexuality kills people from the inside out.

In recent studies they have showed that around 40-50% of people end up regretting their casual sex after they are finished. This is more prominent in women. Dr. Donald Joy revealed in the 80’s what casual sex does is callous our actual longings. The person who engages in casual sex neglects their longings of their heart, mind and soul and begins to believe that what they have is what they want and they are no longer capable of handling the true intimate longing of their souls. Their souls have been scarred by the union of souls that don’t love and care for the other and degrade their humanity.

Media is one of the fastest and great contributing factors of the sexual degrading of humanity. In every day the human being sees between 3000-5000 advertisements a day. Advertisements that are often filled with unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others in body image and expectations of the others. Contributing to the unrealistic expectations isn’t helped by the billions being poured into the Porn Industry. The human brain is scarred with the memories of each image and sequence of film they see of pornography. Images and sequences that take years and years to remove. The person addicted to pornography often has the same form of trauma in their brain as a sexual abuse victim.

I firmly believe that Sexual Abuse and Trafficking is the greatest human epidemic facing the world today.It is estimated that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys will be sexually abused in their lifetime. In Dan Allender’s book Wounded Hearts he says all Sexual Abuse victims face the mindset that “The Horror of change is that it appears to involve a death that resurrection cannot restore.” The best mindset of a sexual abuse victim is a mere hope to just survive until death. Often, the awakening of the repressed memories are often more traumatic and horrible than the actual events themselves. Ellen Bass in her book Beginning To Heal recalls this about her sexual abuse encounter “If I’d known anything could hurt this much or be this sad, I never would have healed. And at the same time you can’t go back. You can’t sweep it under the rug.” The pain and trauma of Sexual Abuse and Trafficking destroys every part of the persons life. Their ability to receive any form of pleasure because what was supposed to be pleasurable is now tainted with shame. All you are left with is a highly paranoid, shame-filled and vacant being, that dies when it seeks for what all souls are seeking for: Love, Longing, and Knowing.

When we deny God’s original intentions of sexuality we are on a fast-paced road for inconceivable pain that fills our soul. People become the objects of our degraded desires rather than a portal in which God pours live through each other. That life is the true glory of sexuality. The glory of God being poured from us to each other and us to God.

(Yesterday’s Blog on the State of Sexuality-


5 thoughts on “Sex: What’s the Big Deal Pt. 2

  1. Lawrence says:

    Very well put. It’s so sad that those engaging in casual sexual behavior are often trading momentary pleasure, for prolonged pain. In a culture that promises “bliss on tap”, many cannot see the need for or have the desire for delayed gratification.

  2. Josh says:

    Some good thoughts here Mike. I think the reality of the statement made by Paul to the Corinthians is exemplified in the outcomes you’ve mentioned. Sexual sin is not outside the body; it festers on the inside, destroying peace, self-conception, outward perception and has latent effects in future relationships. Josh McDowell talks a bit about the echo of experience which can rear it’s ugly head in one’s mind, in one’s struggles and in the comparison game when one allows sexual sin to permeate your heart.

    It is a very sad thing that statements like, “Don’t sacrifice the permanent on the altar of the immediate,” or “Above all, guard your heart; for it is the wellspring of life,” are truly the antithesis of the what is popular and acceptable in our world today. Very sad indeed that people are so confused that they would seek fulfillment through self-destructive engagement.

  3. jason says:

    Mike, i agree with a lot of what you said in this post and the first part. but i disagree with me, and ill attempt to put feelings into words to let you see a different perspective.

    The first point i want to make is that not all sex outside of marriage is harmful. that being said, sex outside of love is definitely harmful in nearly every case. you focused a lot on the harmful effects of promiscuity, the psychological effects, the longing, emptiness and degradation. All of these are valid possibilities when dealing with “casual sex” as you put it. Before i attempt to explain my view a few things need to be pointed out. firstly im leaving religion out of it, for now, looking at a purely psychological perspective. this is largely because people as a whole have variant levels of spirituality, different religions and different standards to live by. My, or your personal beliefs don’t play any role in the other billions of sexual humans. the second thing is i want to make a definite group between casual and the opposite, monogamous sex. In my 20 year old, non virgin mind it goes like this;

    casual sex-sex with multiple partners regardless of love or marriage.
    monogamous sex- one partner for a prolong relationship in a safe setting.
    marriage- monogamous with a spouse

    that being said we can separate the harmful effects mentioned before and better group the population having sex. Not all unmarried people having sex have negative effects and regrets.

    Having monogamous sex, while keeping it’s aspect of promiscuity can still be a loving act of passion between two people. one big point is couples who can’t get married. a gay couple, living in a country or state that doesn’t allow marriage is still in a long term life commitment and therefor sex is a natural part of their being.
    Saying that his type of sex is no longer sacred would be a misnomer for a lot of people in a long term committed relationship having sex, placing unnecessary stigma and pressure on the couple. This can lead to, how Hugh Hefner put it in the ’60s as intense marital pressure. Marriage is a precious unity for sure, and through my life of seeing them fail over and over i know that going into a marriage for the wrong reasons never turns out well. If as a society we say you can only have sex within marriage we in turn downplay the importance of a loving marital relationship by increasing the importance of abstinence. to put that in better words, society today is ok with certain things, divorce, homosexuality, and casual sex. so saying casual sex is for the most part alright but pressuring for abstinence until marriage makes for casual marriage.

    Another point i want to make is self degradation and the whole objectifying part. It is very true that both men and women are objectified in the media and by peers and this all leads back to sex. It’s the number one selling tool. But once again bringing Playboy’s founder into the picture, in the 1950’s, at the birth of the magazine Hugh had a utopian idea. Women in that age were expected to have no sex drive, but adhere to whatever the man wanted in the bedroom. Women often got no pleasure what so ever from the sex with their husbands (hence the birth of the vibrator). Hugh set out with playboy to remove this often cruel superiority with sex in the modern household, showing women that they are sexual beings too and that’s ok. He showed the sexuality of the female figure and publicly exclaimed that sensuality should be expected from the men too. This lead to a ever more equal environment in which people could have sex.

    To sum this up, and not to downplay the very real harmful effects of casual sex both mentally, and physically with STI’s and AIDS my generation is learning quickly to a healthier view of sexual activity. Sex before marriage does not have to be traumatic and horrible. If we remove all the stigma of casual sex, and educate on what can emotionally harm someone why wouldn’t people be more careful in their sexcapades? In these conversations we never mention the incredible sense of ecstasy and love that ‘can’ come from sex and the closeness that you will share with that person for the rest of your life.

    In a perfect world i would marry the first person i have sex with. Having lost my virginity five years ago, and having what you have called “casual sex” since then with very few bad experiences i can honestly say i don’t regret any of it. The difference between me, and what i just said and others who could say the same thing is my entire view on sex and sensual openness. Sex within love becomes more than sex, it becomes a connection that will never go away, not meaning you should sleep with everyone you have puppy love for, but there’s definitely a “right” feeling sometimes. I can honestly say i have never had sex, i have only ever made love. and that’s the way it should stay.

  4. First, I will say that working with teens, an interesting slant is how they define sex. A large number of teens have a very narrow definition of sex, leaving out behaviors that most would consider sex. You’d be surprised how many teens maintain their vows to abstain from sex until marriage by doing things most of us would consider sex. But they don’t.

    Secondly, I usually speak from an academic, detached view. But, I will speak from a first-hand, emotional view as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. You are absolutely spot on when you tag it as the most destructive form of sexual activity and, possibly, the worst form of child abuse.

    My abuse started at age 5. I reported it to my parents. But, because of the stigma and the completely overwhelming nature of being told by your child that they are a victim of sexual abuse, my parents chose to go into denial as opposed to reporting it. Add to that that one of the abusers was a family member. My dad actually told me I was making it up. That was the last time I felt the need to be honest with my parents on any topic that was controversial. Also, there were other abuse victims in the neighborhood where I lived. So, sexual behavior was rampant amongst the children, amongst my friends. I virtually grew up from age 5 being sexually active. That pretty much destroys any normal views you have of sex. In fact, I can’t even really point where I made my first choice to have sex as opposed to continuing the sexual activity from my abuse. I mean now it is a choice. But, most people can point to their first sexual experience, when they consciously made the decision to have sex. I cannot. Anyway, I don’t want to drag this on forever. It gets kind of tiring talking about it. But, the ‘sexualizing’ of youth definitely does major damage.

    Thanks, Mike, for examining this difficult topic. I hope you look at it again in the future to keep it on people’s radar.

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