One of my favorite shows growing up was Boy Meets World. In the college days of their relationship, Topanga challenged Corey to be completely honest with her after Cory became disgusted when she used his toothbrush. In the disaster of this decision, it led to an argument in an elevator where Topanga confronted Cory on what it would take for her to use his toothbrush. Cory responded, “No tushy, no brushy.” I love this scene because it reveals what happens when two people are becoming one. When we are able to share our lives, all of our lives (emotions, thoughts, dreams/fears, possessions), then we see a natural progression into a truly beautiful sexual relationship.
One of my best friends is a married guy, and he will always tell me, “Mike, make sure you find a woman who is willing to take one for the team.” And, while I am laughing at him while he tells me this, there is something truly powerful in what he is saying. What he is really saying is, “Mike, be sure you find someone who will let your urges, your desires, your needs be her urges, her desires, her needs.” I love the idea that I can depend on someone so much that they would make what I am going through be what they are going through. The same goes for me in my relationship with her. Her needs, urges, and desires (or potentially lack thereof), become mine. Couples bond when they are able to be present to one another in sexual expression and say, “Your pleasure is my pleasure. Your satisfaction is mine. I am here for you, before I am here for myself.”
When this doesn’t happen, great pain, separation, and distrust can begin to form when these 30 minutes to an hour of bonding doesn’t take place. The bond of oneness reminds the other person that they are with them in everything. And, while this is a very little amount of time, the energy and power of sexuality has the ability to create great rifts of those who are or are not engaging in it.