If you were to ask my family, I think they would agree that I have spent a large amount of my time fighting against what I have heard. After some very troubling experiences with the Church and witnessing some very violent acts (among them seeing someone murdered), around the age of fourteen I had some semi-conscious choice to find the meaning of life. At a very young age I had my worldview shattered and I know that the answers that I was being fed by the Church and the world were not all good. I had this deep intuitive sense that if it isn’t true for everyone, then it isn’t true for anyone.
I have spent much time over the past decade in doubting and seeking. I think that I disbelieve so much, because I believe. I have found in my life that hope isn’t true hope until you have experienced true hopelessness. There is no need for hope until you are hopeless. (Maybe this is why I hold so much hope for my generation. We’re the generation of these hopeless times.) I am convinced that there is no worth in any of our beliefs until they’re cracked open and thrown in the fire. Until we learn to doubt and question our beliefs, we will never truly be conscious of what the belief produces. There has been a lot of evil done in the name of God because the powers of the Church have gone unquestioned and undoubted. Much of the Church (because this is how the world works) has learned only how to manage their lives. They believe in sin management. They believe in trying to destroy their own sin. I am convinced that this mindset will never reveal a Christ who truly liberates others by his death and resurrection.
Until we are exposed to the darkness of our own lives, until we are exposed to the darkness of the Church (religion), until we are exposed to the darkness of the earth, we will never see the light. We must learn to see the shadows of our lives because of the darkness that follows us. We must learn to disbelieve, so we can truly believe. We must die to who we are, so we can become who we truly are… Children of light.